Friday, April 05, 2002

When I was 4 or 5 I clipped pictures from the lingerie section of a department store catalog and pasted them on the inner side of the sliding closet door in my room. If I remember correctly, the pictures were just tight torso and crotch shots cropped to reveal little besides the article of lingerie and the surrounding flesh. Routinely I'd sequester myself inside my closet, with a flashlight I'd imagine, and do as much as a kindergartener possibly could have done with semi-dirty pictures. The shots of panties were more or less ignored as I chose to concentrate solely on the bra photos. It was years before I was able to comprehend the appeal of the female crotch, and now it's all I think about.

The irony!

Also when I was young, my mom used to tell me about how women would throw their underwear at Tom Jones when he performed onstage. What possessed these women to throw away perfectly good panties made absolutely no sense to me.

What naivete!

It is Friday. Nobody reads this on Friday. What a waste. <!--2:23 AM-->

Thursday, April 04, 2002

UPDATE

In response to some comments I've received, I'm issuing the following statement. While compiling Tuesday's list I knew that I was going to be leaving out some really important cocks. It was by no means supposed to be a comprehensive account of every cock I'd seen. With the exception of AP's, I'd viewed them on multiple occasions and posseseed a familiarity to write about them as if I were speaking of an old friend. My images of today's cocks, however, have been distorted by years of mythic reflection. Consider these tales to be apocryphal if you will, but I have known nothing closer to absolute truth. <!--2:59 PM-->

Important Cocks I've Seen

Slightly different from Tuesday’s post, this list covers the cocks I've seen only once but nevertheless had a profound effect on the way I've viewed every cock since then. And unlike the other list, we'll actually be using names where applicable.

Sang - Sang was a Korean friend of mine back in grade school. We couldn't have been older than 8 when he showed it to me; he moved to Korea when we hit the third grade. You wonder how an 8-year-old cock could leave an impression? I'll tell you how: he was uncircumcised. First one I ever saw. Even back then I knew something wasn't quite right. It reminded me of Greedo's head. Years later he confided in me, "I don't have a big dick but I can get it as hard as a rock." Oops, I probably shouldn't have told you that.

Ian's dad - I'm pretty sure that his was the first adult cock I ever saw. I was sitting at the bottom of the flight of stairs at my friend Ian's, probably about 8 or 9 years old (that was a good year for cock sightings, wasn't it?), when Ian's well-tanned, completely naked, and adequately hung dad came bounding inside from lounging out on the chaise. When I replay that scene in my head I picture myself turning to follow his path up the twisting staircase, and upon his leaving my field of vision, I rub my eyes in disbelief. And yes, I replay that scene in my head a lot.

Camp counselor - Ten years old at a week-long outdoor education camp. This was my first experience with gang showers. None of the kids used them, but the high-school-aged counselors did. Lucky me. During one of my casual routine scans of the area, I noticed this one guy with red hair (upstairs and downstairs) was packing what had to be the most massive cock I’d seen in my life. I remember thinking, “There’s no way I’m ever gonna be that big!” and guess what? I was right. The head of that guy’s cock is bigger than my entire shaft.

That just about covers it. This is slightly off topic, but I’m reminded of another cock story right now. I worked a summer during college as an admin assistant at my father’s office where I spent many of my days filing workers compensation insurance forms. Occasionally I’d read about the details of an injury. Most of the time they were about people doing stupid shit like swallowing staples and stabbing themselves with pens, but there was this one, I’m never gonna forget it, that described how this one landscape worker completely sheared off his cock when he dropped a slab of flagstone across his body! I shit you not!
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Wednesday, April 03, 2002

(For those of you who haven't been keeping up with J | a, you might want to read this post about elephant costumes before continuing with this one.)

My time in the elephant suit was short. I came out, waved to kids, posed for pictures, and danced a little. Frightened some of the younger ones, but as far I know neither pants wetting nor pants soliding was reported. One of the fathers stroked my arm, assuming incorrectly that I was a chick elephant. There may not have been a cock on the outside, but there sure was one on the inside, and yes, it was hard as diamonds from his fluffing. It goes without saying, but I might as well tell you that my shit was totally on. If it weren't for the fucking elephant costume I probably could have scored some digits from the horny moms there. The relative humidity in the library was 100%, if you catch my drift. And they've all got kids so you know they put out. Next time I'll ask if I can dress up as a hot, well-hung stud instead of some faggy animal. I have to let the ladies know that I'm ready to party. <!--1:20 AM-->

Tuesday, April 02, 2002

Here's something that I've been meaning to write about for a while. I've been wrestling with how to present the subject whilst incurring the least amount of embarrassment for the parties involved. Here's what I came up with:

Men Whose Cocks I've Seen and the Stories Behind Them
(listed by # of sitings, greatest to least)

J.S - Probably well over a dozen times. He'd just pull it out and casually let it hang from his fly, standing around a dining table while others ate. Despite his propensity for public nudity, J.S. is not particularly well-endowed. As a matter of fact, I might give him a run for his money.

D.I. - Three or four times. Chance of penile sighting greatly improves with inebriation. I've come within millimeters of touching his cock on a couple occasions, the only barrier between us a pane of glass. Size was hard to gauge due to its inability to hang while mashed up against the window. I've been told that he's generously proportioned, but that may have been while erect. With this kid you just don't know.

S.W. - 3 x. The girth on this one is fantastic. It is on occasion used to send friends into a panic, inducing them to run in fear. I stay and stare in awe.

L.J. - Twice or thrice. I've witnessed this individual piss out the leg of his shorts while sitting on a swing in a public park. Well-hung but who can say if he's a shower or grower?

Honorable Mention:

A.P. - The only man whose genitalia I've actually touched. Balls only. Shaft remained in pants, but if I had to venture a guess, I'd say it's on the larger, Semitic side of things.

Hope you enjoyed the cock talk. I'll be back tomorrow after having spent the day in an elephant costume amongst young children. <!--12:36 AM-->

Monday, April 01, 2002

A couple of new additions to the site. On the left above the links you'll now find a list of music that I'm currently listening to. It seems to be a requisite for these blog sites, posted as an opportunity to flaunt how hip we are. If sci-fi soundtracks and prog/art-rock bands are hip then I'm the coolest guy out there. My current reading material is also listed for your criticism and ridicule.

Speaking of books and reading, earlier this year I served as a volunteer at the library as a guide for an exhibit on math-related books. However, describing these books as "math-related" was a serious stretch. Yes, Goldilocks and the Three Bears did have three bears, and Arthur did make $10 running a pet sevice in the appropriately titled Arthur's Pet Service, but other than the page numbers and these exceptions not a single digit could be found anywhere within the body of any of the books. Anyway, this leads me up to an email that I received on Friday:

"Jeff,

We're having special elephant storytimes at our branches in celebration of Packy's 40th
birthday and I need someone to wear our elephant costume for 15-20 minutes during the storytime and have their picture taken with the kids. Are you available?"

"Are you available?" Shit, I'd miss my own mother's funeral to wear a fucking elephant suit.
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