Jeffassociates

Jeffassociates
Homos and heteros welcome.

Friday, April 12, 2002

I'm completely fascinated by the new Subway commercial that showcases the new honey oat bread. More specifically, I'm fascinated by the girl in it with the enormous rack. It took me a few viewings before I realized that the commercial was for food instead of boobs. Other than that, I've got nothing to say. On days like this I'm very tempted to pull out a random Bukowski book and pass off a paragraph or two of his writing as my own. You really wouldn't be able to tell the difference except for less talk about being Chinese and maybe more references to hard cocks. Just be thankful that you're not reading cutesy-poo tripe like this. I promise to be back on Monday with some seriously good, sexy shit.

Thursday, April 11, 2002

Trouble.

My numbers are taking a serious beating. After two weeks of continued growth, J|a's audience is assuredly on the decline. I peaked at 46 visits last Wednesday, and today the site has only been served up a paltry 28 times. That's my lowest number since the day I launched. No comments either! So what's happening? If I had to make a guess, I think my problem may lie with the ladies. All this talk of cock has got them so worked up and horny that they end up wetting themselves and the surrounding area, presumably short-circuiting their computers. Can I get confirmation on this? Maybe I should start posting a disclaimer at the top of the page:

WARNING!

Women who suffer from any of the following conditions should take precautions before visiting this site:

loose morals
super sluttiness
extreme horniness

To reduce the likelihood of computer malfunction observe one or more of the following suggestions:

Apply ice cubes to your groin area.
Wear some sort of leak-resistant undergarment.
Cover your computer with a Saran Wrap cum-screen.

Hopefully, by the end of the week all the ladies will have their computers up and running, and J|a's numbers will once again continue their ascent towards the stratosphere. Excelsior!

Wednesday, April 10, 2002

I just got out of the bath. I know, you're all probably thinking, "Dude, so gay!" but I'll tell you, I was drinking a beer at the same time so that makes it kinda hetero in my book. Anyway, I spent quite a bit of time in there sipping my beer, listening to music, and cleaning some socks and underwear Crocodile Dundee style. And unlike some of my friends are capable of doing, I was able to refrain from squeezing out a load into the tub, if you know what I'm talking about. If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'm talking about masturbating.

So as I sat scrubbing my boxers, the sight of my shamefully endowed cock reminded me of a particular summer night between my sophomore and junior years of college. I'd been working for the California Public Interest Research Group for about a week, canvassing door to door and signing people up for CalPIRG memberships. In case you were wondering, no, the PIRGs don't make a lick of difference, but the people that work for them are naively idealistic kids just trying to make a buck so I say help them out. As I said, I'd only been working for about a week and turnover at this place was infuckingsane. From one day to the next you'd see only a handful of familiar faces, and when you were grouped together with four other canvassers to drive to a designated neighborhood, you were almost certain never to be teamed up with anyone that you'd previously worked with. Such was the case this night.

We were driving back to the office after an evening of canvassing in San Mateo. An interview on the NPR station provided adequate distraction to avoid awkward conversation among five strangers. I can't recall what show it was or the exact nature of the guest's occupation, but he was some sort of scientist and was speaking about the general physiological differences between people of various ethnicities. Things started out innocent enough. "Blacks have curlier hair." "People of middle eastern decent tend to have more body hair." Okay, as long as the talk didn't stray from hair, things would be cool, but sure enough, the topic turned towards the size of sexual organs. Before he said a fucking word I had a pretty good idea of what his studies had revealed.

"Asian men tend to have smaller penises on the average."

Now, I guess it's not any kind of secret, but did he really have to say that on the air as if it were some sort of scientific fact? I mean, really! And in case you were wondering, yes, he said black men have huge cocks so beware. So here I am, sitting in a car full of strangers, white strangers mind you, and they're all thinking the same exact thing which was, "Ha, ha! That Asian kid in the front seat has a tiny cock!" while I sat and lamented,

"Oh God, why am I not black?"

Tuesday, April 09, 2002

Tonight I watched two hours straight of 7th Heaven. I couldn't help myself. It's been reruns of all my shows for the last month, and I was starving for some new tv. Boy, am I glad I tuned in. That Jessica Biel is one stone cold fox. Totally tappable. During the first commercial break I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the Saran Wrap, hurried back, and proceeded to sheath the screen with plastic to ease the clean-up of the gooey mess that I knew I'd be blowing on her face in the next segment.

But seriously, she gives me a big boner. If I ever run into her, this is how I imagine things would play out:

Jeffassociates: Hey, check it out. You're that hot box from that preachy tv show.
Jessica Biel: That's right.
J|a: So how wet are you right now?
JB: Excuse me?
J|a: How wet are you?
JB: That's what I thought you said.
J|a: So what's the answer?
JB: It's like fucking Florida down there.
J|a: SWEET!!!

Monday, April 08, 2002

It's past 4 am, and for the past four hours I've been IMing with three old high school classmates. I wouldn't call them close friends, but they're better than casual acquaintences. One I hadn't spoken to for ten years while the other two I've seen only a handful of times combined since graduation. I'm kicking myself because these four hours were hours that that I could have spent finishing up Atlas Shrugged or coming up with today's post. The book's not gonna finish itself, but at least today's post will. Following here are some excerpts from our chat session. Some have been edited for brevity and increased hilarity.

Classmate #2: what is the new hot gossip? I just got your message...
jeffassociates: Hot of the presses: I just administered my first blow job.

Classmate #1: Ijust shot fruit loops all over my desk.
jeffassociates: I just SHIT fruit loops on my desk.

Classmate #2: I was too busy dreaming of this chick who was in a barbie spa commercial to think of anyone else
jeffassociates: Dude, barbie spas are for fags.

Classmate #2: I-- G----? what's he up to?
jeffassociates: Homo stuff.

Classmate #2: There are only X amount of swear words, bodily functions to describe, etc. So I don't say Cunt.
Classmate #1: You just did now.
Classmate #2: leaves me somewhere to go when I'm against the wall. Its like turning it to 11
jeffassociates: When I want to kick it up a notch, I say "asseater."

jeffassociates: Jeff fact: I suffer from incontinence.
Classmate #1: I knew that. My car still smells like diarreah
jeffassociates: Okay then, Jeff fact 2: I suffer from giant balls.

Classmate #2: the best [Rush] concert I ever saw was the Test for Echo tour in 96' at the Glen Hellen. it was the best show ever. they played the entire intro of 2112. THE ENTIRE THING. all of side one. My brother and I were going nuts.
jeffassociates: Did you have hard-ons?
Classmate #2: it was past hard ons
jeffassociates: Super-hard-ons?

Classmate #2: (to Classmate #1) M----...even *I* got laid in high school.
jeffassociates: I fucked the entire cheerleading squad.
Classmate #2: none of whom were our year. didn't we have like..no one on the squad our senior year?
Classmate #3: just e---- p-------
jeffassociates: I fucked them all.

jeffassociates: You want to hear a good high school sex story?
jeffassociates: I used to beat off A LOT!
Classmate #1: is that all, Jeff?
jeffassociates: CUM EVERYWHERE!

Classmate #2: BTW, I found a word that rhymes with orange. but I'm not going to tell you guys
Classmate #1: do tell
jeffassociates: Is it "cock"?

Classmate #2: or the fact that my g/f once gave me a hand job in the car on the way back from a Yes concert..
jeffassociates: Hand jobs are awesome!

Classmate #2: Is E---- taller than K----?
Classmate #1: k---- is 4 foot 11
jeffassociates: My cock looks huge in the hands of short girls.

Classmate #2: did I mention I bought two really nice throw blankets today?
jeffassociates: Don't you mean catchrags?
Classmate #2: they are cream colored with a sort of brown/lime pattern.
jeffassociates: More like cum colored.

Classmate #2: I have an IV drip of heroin.
jeffassociates: I have an IV drip of cum that goes straight into my mouth.
Classmate #1: I've never even smoked pot.
jeffassociates: The only thing I've smoked is cock.

Classmate #1: (addressed to me) fuck your faggot diary, bitch. It killed my cumpooturd.

Classmate #2: you know what?
jeffassociates: Chicken butt.
Classmate #2: [Classmate #1] sent me a link to your jeffassociates page like 3 days ago and I clicked on it.
jeffassociates: Read it?
Classmate #2: and started reading about penises that you had seen and I thought, "this is a gay man's page..why is she sending me this?"

Played a show tonight, too. Was okay. Friday night was better.

/archives

Gayest of J | a:
  UPS and Cum
  Kiddie Sex
  My Big Trunk
  For the Ladies

DJ | a:
  V

J | a Reading:
  How to Win Friends...

Friends of J | a:
  Eric Associates
  DaveAssociates
  Yum!