Jeffassociates

Jeffassociates
Homos and heteros welcome.

Friday, April 19, 2002

Today I gave my 30-day notice of departure from my apartment thus ending an almost two year long self-imposed exile from Los Angeles. In a month I will return, tens of thousands of dollars poorer than I left it and with few to zero job prospects. Long gone will be my endless days of isolation. I sadly also bid farewell to walking to the market and BMXing around town. Time to pack away my raincoat and umbrella, too. I'll have to reacquaint myself with sales tax so please have patience with me as I will certainly be complaining about it for months to come. Now is the time for my band's final farewell shows. El Cid, we hardly knew ye. These are the last days of strip clubs that are both full-nude and alcohol friendly. Freedom of Canadian proportions. No more beating off in the living room unless my future roommate makes such an allowance. That probably goes for leaving catch rags on the coffee table, as well. I guess I must take the good with the bad.

Start the countdown. I'll be back soon.

Thursday, April 18, 2002

There's some weed killer that's contaminating water and turning frogs into both hermaphrodites and double-cocked monsters. It's the truth. Read it in the paper just today. Man, what I wouldn't do with a second cock or a first vagina. You know what would be cool? If one weiner was normal and the other was about 50% bigger. So in those instances where you're making it with some super-slut and your normal cock just ain't cutting it, you've got the option of pulling out the big guns. Or maybe, like, you could be having a cock measuring contest with your buddies and just when you're about to lose, you present your bigger, last minute entry and cinch the prize. Talk about drama! I don't know what I'd do with a vagina, though, but I know for sure that it would be too weird to let some guy go stabbing at it. Way too weird. Maybe I'd use it for magic tricks or something. Hide coins, kerchiefs, etc. in its depths. Oh, you know what I've always wanted to do with a vagina? Smoke with it. You seen that shit? That shit is so cool. So totally cool.

Wednesday, April 17, 2002

I just blew the entire day playing fucking video games and spent the last hour alone trying to beat this one fucking board on Super Mario World. Yeah, that's the luxury of being unemployed. Whenever I tell people how long it's been since I've done an honest day's worth of work they're always amazed. After I explain what I do about money, the subject invariably turns to what I do with my free time. In addition to playing video games and composing my dirty rants I occupy myself with a variety of activities, but I think my number one pastime is replaying the same internal dialogues over and over inside my head. Questions like, "Why does my cum taste bitter?" and "If I had to choose between sucking shaft or balls which would I choose?" can seemingly be explored unexhaustingly.

Speaking of exhaust, I'm really fucking tired. After only five or six hours of sleep, I had to wake up at 8:30 this morning to cash in on a free haircut. It was at one of those places that only chicks and homos go. Maybe they get a lot of bi-curious business, too, but I didn't ask. In any case, I was the biggest stud there. The second I entered, I swear to God, it sounded like Niagra Falls from rush of liquid that hit the floor. Whoosh!!! Let me tell you, I walked by the place later in the afternoon, and they were still mopping up the mess. You think I'm joking. I shit you not. Lord help us, I shit you not.

Tuesday, April 16, 2002

There's this really odd-looking chick who works as a cashier at my supermarket. Let me tell you, this girl would uncontestedly never be called attractive by any guy who digs hot, sexable chicks. You readers know what I'm talking about. Pretty face. Tight ass. Tits the size of Texas. She hasn't got any of the goods. The poor thing, God dealt her an empty hand. At best, she requires a second-glance only because of her strange, old-person style, dressing like somebody thrice her age. You think she's trying to be hip in a kitchy sort of way with her retro-wardrobe until you realize that it's far more likely that she's wearing hand-me-downs from her dead grandmother's attic. She would have been far better off if they'd buried those awful clothes along with ol' grams.

So why am I talking about her? Because she totally drives me crazy in a weird, non-sexual sort of way. It's kinda like that clown sex phase I went through a couple years back. You know how once in a while you encounter something that totally fucks with your world and everything that you've been conditioned to expect from it? Just like that, she's my new clown sex. Sure, you can't use it as material, but you can't help but be stricken by it's unconventionality. She gives me a boner that I don't want to stroke off, if you will.

Anyway, I got in her line today. I don't want to came off as some kinda creep so I only queue up for her one out of every three or four visits, and today I was due. She's been pretty chatty historically and our brief, awkward conversations are always the highlight of my day, but sadly, today's discourse was limited to:

"Paper or plastic?"
"Plastic."
"Debit or credit?"
"Credit."

I'm thinking that if I ever did ask her out and we ended up at my place, I'd have a closet full of the dregs of what Good Will has to offer ready, and I'd make her dress in one horrible, dated outfit after the the other. All the while I'd sit at the edge of my bed with my pants down, stroking my chin in fascination. That's right, just my chin, but if she wanted to stroke something else of mine that's totally her prerogative.

Monday, April 15, 2002

So I took another gay bath, and right now I'm sitting here in front of the computer wearing nothing but a robe. I feel kinda like Logan when he's wearing the fur in Logan's Run when he meets Box in his ice fortress. Too bad I don't have a loose piece of snatch sitting here next to me like he did. I hope Logan fucked the shit out of that chick after the end of the movie because they don't do anything during it, but you can totally tell that she's the kind of girl that likes to party, and by "party" I mean tea-bagging and butt-sex.

I had a decent night of partying myself on Saturday, but this time, understand that "partying" only means drinking, dancing, and karaokeing. Weak, I know. At one bar, the men's bathroom was out of order so they designated the ladies room a unisex bathroom. I'm pretty sure that was the first time I've taken a piss in a stall adjacent a woman, and I'm quite sure that it was the first time I've had a conversation with a woman while we were both mid-stream. I was so turned on that my stream of piss turned into a stream of white-hot cum. No joke.

Fuck, sorry about Friday's post. Looks like I got my good shit back.

/archives

Gayest of J | a:
  UPS and Cum
  Kiddie Sex
  My Big Trunk
  For the Ladies

DJ | a:
  V

J | a Reading:
  How to Win Friends...

Friends of J | a:
  Eric Associates
  DaveAssociates
  Yum!